Two years at this time all seemed Merry & Bright! Adalyn was celebrating her 1st Christmas, the house was filled with presents from Mama, Dada, and Santa too. Our precious baby girl was soon to be ONE. It was the most magical year of my life.
This year, I struggle for every breath and the pain in my heart feels never ending. My heart aches with every beat and I am exhausted. This year, nothing is right. This year, Christmas will come and go, again, without the squeals and giggles of our daughter. I will make Christmas dinner and look at the Christmas tree while swallowing every tear and the pain that threatens to burst through my soul at any moment. I will celebrate with Dane in a memory care center at his holiday hot cocoa party, knowing in my heart that he doesn’t understand what’s going on. He doesn't feel my pain.
There will be no party planning for a rambunctious 3 year old, instead we will gather at her memorial cross to sing to her and celebrate what should have been. This year it will instead just be New Year’s Day. A day the rest of the world will welcome 2021 and make their resolutions. While I am forced to face yet another year without her in it. I will celebrate and remember the birth of my sweet Adalyn and remember our surprise when we realized she would be born on New Year’s Day! I will remember the look on Dane’s face as my labor intensified and he realized he would soon be meeting his little girl. I will remember the weight of her body as she was placed on my chest and for the first time I laid eyes on the little girl who made me a mommy. I will remember her sweet, tiny fingers wrapped around my finger and the love that I thought would cause my heart to explode. On this New Year’s Day, I will be faced with only memories because my baby only got to be here with us for 17 very short months. I will remember the first few weeks of parenthood for both Dane and myself. I will remember how he looked at our daughter all the days of her life. I miss her and her Dada so much. I cannot even express the pain my heart is trying to endure.
I am not the only mama who will be missing their baby this Christmas. Think of them, think of us, pray for peace to comfort this all consuming pain. No parent should have to outlive their child, there simply aren’t words to describe this kind of pain. Not everyone’s holiday season is merry and bright, for some it is haunting and torturous. Pray for all of those missing someone and suffering through the season. I will be praying for all who suffer this season and I will spend Christmas focused on the birth of Jesus, He is the reason I will spend eternity with my daughter. One day closer...
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (Adalyn’s 3rd Birthday) from the 2018 Zisa’s.